I Was Poisoned By The *NJ State Police
This really happened
A Tale Told By The Perp In His Own Voice
The scene of the crime – behind the barbeque grill of a home in Bordentown, NJ
With the trombones blaring in the background:
Ladies and gentlemen, the story you are about to [read] is true. The names have [not] been changed to protect the innocent.
This is the City – Bordentown NJ – I work here. I carry a badge.
It was Wednesday May 27, it was hot and humid.
We were working the day shift out of skunk patrol. My partner’s Frank Smith. My boss is Captain Nelson. My name’s Pete.
A stinky skunk had been on the loose, and a neighbor wanted him captured – dead or alive.
The skunk had escaped – we had to try to find him.
If this were not so serious, it would be hilarious.
The illegal contraband, a chemical poison, was recovered on the scene:
bags of moth balls taken from the scene of the crime (5/28/15)
I had read somewhere that mothballs were a great deterrent to stinky skunks.
So, I managed to sneak behind the house – trespassing, but who gives a shit, right? – and planted these moth balls under the porch of 359 Oliver Street.That would sure drive out the stinky skunk suspect! (blaring trombones: dum, de, dum, dum, dummmm!)
Just look at how well we hid the mothballs under the porch, – without the homeowner’s knowledge or approval – just behind his barbecue grille! No more damn stinky skunks there!
We were sure to hide the moth balls well out of sight under the porch.
There is NO WAY the property owner would find them! How’s that for some stealth investigative detective work! That should assure my promotion any day now!!
But how were we to know that this property was owned by some organic gardening, animal loving, chemical freak who knew jack shit about federal pesticide laws and chemical toxicity?
(Damn! Had I known that, no way would I have left a confession on his phone message tape!)
Yes, this asshole chemical freak immediately smelled our little skunk stunt and he made his own big stink about it.
This animal loving environmental asshole called the local Bordentown police and convinced them to visit his home and witness the chemical vapors in his house and yard. Now there’s a police report to substantiate his paranoid bullshit! Damn!
Then he called the zealous bureaucrats at the DEP to report a violation of federal and state pesticide laws!
Who knowns, the next thing he might do is file a trespass charge and a lawsuit seeking damages!
And all this bullshit, after I called him to apologize and admit we were just after some stinky skunks!
Yours truly.
*** State Police Officer Pete
*** A neighbor told me Pete was a State Policeman. Obviously, Pete was not on duty when he did this. He owns and rents the house next door.
This is just my way of pocking fun at the absurdity of the situation.